Every human relationship experiences conflict. Arguments with spouses and significant others, relatives, and even coworkers are common. While no one likes to argue, especially with individuals who don’t fight fair, conflict can be healthy when the players are informed and willing to move through their differences. By equipping yourself with good listening skills and supportive arguing techniques, you can help shift a potential deal breaker into an opportunity to learn more about the people in your life.
So what does healthy conflict look like in a relationship and what does an argument look like where there is good listening involved? The answer to that is not absolute, but it does include the following behaviors:
- Active listening
- Open mindedness
- Addressing the core issue
- Remaining present
- Using supportive arguing techniques
- Fighting fair
- Resisting passive-aggressive behavior
- Taking responsibility
Since every relationship will include some level of conflict, it is essential to learn how to effectively argue and address static between you and those with whom you interact. You may be having difficulty with an argumentative employee or coworker. Arguing with your boyfriend or girlfriend may become an everyday occurrence. Your marriage could be on the brink of collapse under the weight of your fighting. Or worse, you could constantly fight with family members, unable to escape the incessant drama.
But fighting doesn’t have to damage or even destroy a relationship. It can teach you more about the people you care about and yourself. Learning to argue in a healthy manner is an important facet of a working civilization. It can help encourage brainstorming and problem solving, as well as making any system (from as small as an individual home to as large as a nation’s government) run smoother.
It will take effort, and it may even be necessary to create arguing rules specific to each relationship, but it will be possible to manage conflict without inflicting permanent damage to your human connections.
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The Path Between Us
What Does Healthy Conflict Look Like in a Relationship?
Healthy relationships are not void of arguments. In fact, conflict is a necessary spark that ensures growth and balance. However, some conflict can lead to destructive patterns that tear down a relationship, rather than build one up. The key to conflict is managing it so that a relationship—and its human counterparts—can thrive.
Communication is the most essential aspect of managing conflict. But you don’t have to be an English major or bold orator to communicate effectively. Between partners (home, work, and elsewhere), effective communication stems from a desire to work it out. Here are some basic traits of a healthy relationship, in which each person handles conflict constructively:
- Compassion and empathy
- Curiosity and a growth mindset
- A compromising attitude
- The ability to disagree amicably
- Capable of setting and respecting boundaries (rules)
From these traits stem a willingness to put the person before the problem. But sometimes arguments can become so complicated and full of personal attacks that it’s easy to lose site of the issue at hand. In order to create a safe and respectful environment to work out an argument, it is first important to determine the main issue.
What are Common Issues in a Relationship?
Although each person and relationship is unique, humans can have common problems that cause arguing and conflict (these are dependent upon the relationship type):
- One or both parties have difficulty letting go of the past
- Cultural differences
- Incompatible sexual drives and intimacy needs
- Contrasting spending habits
- Spending too much or too little time with each other
- Difficulty seeing issues from their point of view
- Viewpoints about the other person’s family or parents
In each of these cases, the root issues can cause a host of fights that can diminish the quality of the relationship. Whether the other person is your spouse, sibling, parent, child, neighbor, or coworker, it is important that you don’t let differences drive a wedge between you and the people in your life.
It is important to always be learning about the other person and how they are changing. There are benefits to a lifestyle of lifelong learning, and continuing to learn about other people can be beneficial in an argument.
However, sometimes it may become impossible to compromise because an issue can lead to personal discordance and unhealthy choices. In these instances, it is important to evaluate whether the relationship is worth repairing or whether you need to move on:
- Are you compromising your moral integrity?
- Is abuse (emotional and/or physical) involved?
- Is substance abuse involved and is outside help not working?
- Does the other person often disrespect and cross your boundaries?
- Do you feel diminished or unable to grow with no path forward?
If you find yourself in a relationship that does you more harm than good, then you may need to evaluate whether to remain in that relationship. Of course, this is more difficult with family members, neighbors, and coworkers, but setting and protecting boundaries can lead to peace of mind (more on that below).
If it is impossible to terminate a relationship based on proximity (family, neighbors, and coworkers), then you may need to set firm boundaries and interact on an as-needed basis. If safety is a concern, seek assistance immediately.
How to Argue in a Relationship
Although each relationship is different, and we each have several relationships with a variety of individuals, it is important to treat each dynamic uniquely. By understanding the other persons’ needs, as well as your own, you can positively support the connection.
How to be a Good Listener
Effectively handling an argument starts with good communication skills, and having good communication skills starts with active listening. So often, we hear only the argument from our side, in our brain, while the other person is talking, but by engaging in active listening (and sharing this information with your partner), you can ensure that you are truly understanding the issue at hand.
Being a good listener takes effort. Experts in the field agree that active listening is comprised of the 3 A’s:
- Attention
- Attitude
- Adjustment
Paying attention is the difference between simply hearing the other person and listening to what they are saying. While listening, pay attention to only what the speaker has to say. Focus on body language, emotions, and verbal cues. Remain present. Do not think about your part of the argument. Absorb what the other person is saying with an open mind. If you must, repeat to the other person what they have just said (i.e. “I hear you saying…is this correct?”). You can’t fix anything if you don’t comprehend the issue.
While listening, mind your attitude. Don’t come to the argument thinking it is a waste of time. Come to it as if you really want to solve this problem (because you care, right?). Often, we hear words and phrases, or see body language that trigger a negative response from us. Try and alter your point of view, keeping your attitude positive and open. You are in this argument, so learn something from it.
Throughout the argument, you may need to adjust to the other person’s statements. They could bounce around or lead you onto an irrelevant path. Maintain your attention and listen with intention. There may also come a moment when silence fills the room. Be okay with that. Don’t be afraid to ask questions and take time to fully grasp the other person’s position before fighting back.
When your Partner Doesn’t Fight Fair
Having a productive argument cannot occur if either person (or both) doesn’t fight fair. Fighting unfairly consists of
- Yelling and shouting
- Name calling
- Being dismissive of the other person’s emotions
- Using the silent treatment or storming off
- Blaming someone else for poor behavior
Using personal attacks or abusive tactics, and refusing personal responsibility will undermine the relationship and exacerbate the issues. Often, people will use manipulation or will be defensive as a way to make themselves look better, but this deflection will only confuse the process. It is difficult to identify such behaviors in the midst of intense emotions. It is especially difficult if you are also not following the rules of engagement.
If your arguments are spiraling out of control, it may be best to set aside time to discuss how to argue with your partner. Of course, this may lead to further arguing (who wants to be told they don’t fight fair?), but at least you can begin to separate the ugly behavior during an argument with the issues that need addressing.
Once you have established the rules or discussed healthy arguing techniques, hold each other and yourself accountable. How to follow through may be a delicate process, but it is a good idea to “reset” by taking at least a 30 minute timeout. This will give your body and mind a chance to cool down. Often, our body’s autonomic response system will make us behave inappropriately when stressed or angry. It is important not to let this cloud the argument. Any timeout should last no longer than 24 hours.
Healthy Arguing Techniques
To effectively argue, it is important to use healthy arguing techniques, which include avoiding any of the unfair tactics above. You can use these techniques as a foundation for improving your own behavior, as well as how to productively argue with a spouse, significant other, or family member.
Argue in a private environment. While some short arguments can be hashed out quickly and painlessly, the emotional heat produced by many arguments can lead to a raging fight. It is neither appropriate nor healthy to wage your fights in front of anyone else, particularly in front of children. The emotional scars created by witnessing parental fights can lead to permanent damage.
Remain present and relevant. Whatever behavior is bothering you, keep your arguments within that issue at hand. Don’t bring up the past, and don’t bring up extraneous issues. This behavior will only add confusion to the argument (and it’s unfair).
Be open and honest. Ask for what you need. Be clear about your expectations and boundaries. Don’t be passive, be direct. By using direct, specific language to describe your needs and emotions, you will get to the heart of the matter, and your partner will know (instead of guess) what is bothering you.
Have a goal and time limit. Arguments should have an end result. The point of an argument is to find a solution. Identify your objective and work toward it. Once you’ve hit the objective, the argument is over. If you don’t, it will become necessary to take a time out and return to the matter at a later time (within 24 hours).
Remember the human in front of you. You love this person, or else you wouldn’t bother trying to work things out. Within the realms of a fight should exist dignity, respect, and compassion. Hold hands, maintain eye contact, and try to remain calm. This doesn’t mean that some arguments are not going to be more intense, with more physical boundaries, but it is okay to use humor or signs of affection appropriately. When you keep the emotional energy frequencies high, you emanate a beacon of forgiveness, understanding, and unconditional love that is necessary in all relationships.
Arguing Pro Tip: When addressing an issue or asking your partner to meet your needs, use language that focuses on you and not the other person. For example, instead of casting blame by saying, “You spend too much money,” say, “Can we spend some time to evaluate finances? I’d like to try and adhere to a set budget.”
We hope this was helpful. You guys got this!
