Relational Mutuality, or more simply, Relationality, is the state or condition of being relational and pertains to the way in which two or more things may be linked or associated. In Somatic Breath Therapy, we look at it this way:
Relationality is the reciprocal, consciousness-infused intraconnection between practitioner and client, which is not only amplified through conscious breathing, but also encompasses a multilevel, compressive mutuality that put the individuals together in the first place. By unifying two or more individuals together who are on a simultaneous path of investigating, utilizing and benefitting from breathwork, a soul-level synergy is created wherein the whole is greater than the sum of the parts.
Relationality embraces the full range of the body, mind, heart, and spirit of the therapeutic relationship, but also includes the shared causality of the how and why the interconnection is happening. It might also be called a Therapeutic Envelope of Soulful Interconnectivity. But let me first offer a breathwork framework within which this idea of relationality emerged.
Since the latter half of the 20th century in America, through the auspices of Leonard Orr (Rebirthing), Dr. Stanislov Grof (Holotropic Breathwork), and several others, emergent breathwork schools and programs began to formulate trainings to teach practitioners this uniquely skilled art form of therapeutic breathwork or Somatic Breath Therapy. Besides the key elements of circular breathing, they spoke about the A.R.T. of breathwork. For most, it represented Awareness, Relaxation, and Technique. For me and the Power of Breath Institute, however, it felt like a different reference point was needed, especially in light of entering the subtle therapeutic realm of shared reality (mutuality), as compared to the usual day-to-day individualism of our current Western world.
Clearly, relaxation is hugely significant in our over-stimulated sympathetic culture, and relaxing the exhalation is an irrevocable component for conscious, connected breathing for it to work! However, over time, it became clear to me that the “R” needed to represent something else, something that epitomized a different approach through which to engage a supportive and reciprocal therapeutic relationship, and that came to be what I now call Relationality. Through the decades of teaching numerous 2-yr. trainings and seeing over 8000 in-person clients, I discovered seven core components that seemed to represent the fundamental qualities that elucidate Relationality with regard to facilitating breathwork for mindfulness, stress relief, healing trauma and PTSD.
Article Topics
Relationality: A Therapeutic Envelope of Purposeful Interconnectivity
Relational Components
- Communion
- Mutuality
- Purpose
- Compassion
- Reciprocity
- Resonance
- Intelligence
Qualities
- Attend
- Empathy
- Intend
- Compression
- Extend
- Harmony
- Transcend
7 Intelligences
- Unity*
- Love
- Respect
- Life
- Justice
- Honesty
- Kindness
*The last words of these seven qualities are the “7 Intelligences of the Heart” as outlined by Glenda Green (Jeshua) in her book, “Love Without End”, Chapter 7 (Your Heart is Your Higher Intelligence).
Before diving into these qualities of Relationality, I would like to introduce a model that might be considered to be the bones around which these seven ideas coalesced, something I call “Trans-Tending: The 4 Evolutionary Attentions”. The outline below will help give you a reference point as to the healing stages I feel we all go through on the therapeutic journey of integration and transformation. This model slowly emerged from over 30 years of studying with indigenous elders and various thought leaders. Patricia Albere introduced me to the Evolutionary Collective of Mutual Awakening. The original Medicine Wheel is based upon the 44 Shield Teachings from Roshi Joan Halifax and her teacher, Hyemeyohsts Storm, a Northern Cheyenne elder.
The Seven Qualities of Relationality
1. Communion (Attend) – Unity
First and foremost, relationality is based on the idea that we all exist within a reality that is irrevocably interconnected and that the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. With the discovery of the unified field, our entire understanding of existence was transformed from a world of isolated particles and identities floating aimlessly in a vacuum of space to an interconnected field of multidimensional probabilities where communion (communication + unity) was emergent, simultaneous, and interrelational – meaning everything naturally exhibits relationality to some degree or another.
However, not unlike most of the scientific breakthroughs made in the last 300 years, these theoretical, then proven, and replicable discoveries often take decades before they become consciously lived ideas in the zeitgeist as principles applied to workability and the betterment of life. In the hundreds if not thousands of years in the development of the Western world, individualism has ruled the roost of most evolutionary protocols and, in many ways, has been the foundation of the greatest feats and the worst failures of our civilization as a whole.
Within this relational field, one of our greatest attributes of human consciousness is to be PRESENT, to utilize our unique cortical ability to ATTEND to what is happening now. Presence is “the quality of being mindful; it is the state or fact of existing, occurring or being present as in a place or thing”.
When we are fully present, we transcend the influence of past and future where we can attend to what is happening within or outside of our bodies at this very moment. Volitional presence can be a launching pad to fully experiencing reality within its multidimensional expression, especially through mindfulness where we can become one inside the flow of our ever-emergent existence. In breathwork, it is often expressed by the breather as “It felt like the breath was breathing me!” Suddenly, all sense of “I” disappears, and you become part of something much grander and interconnected.
What is at issue here is not just learning to shift from an individualistic awareness or mindset through cognition, but to actually surrender to this new, expansive viewpoint through somatic, experiential understanding, to look from within this natural, deeper framework of inborn mutuality. Although this shift may seem subtle, I have found most people are somewhat challenged to look through this lens. On a personal note, I attribute my natural inclination to do this because I was born as an identical twin. As a young child, I had to face and learn to accept that most other kids on the playground couldn’t communicate telepathically. Telepathy, communion, and sharing a ‘twin language’ were all part of how I initially approached the world.
2. Mutuality (Empathy) – Love
In Interpersonal Neurobiology we focus on seeing the mind as both embodied and relational. Embodied means that the mind is more than simply what happens in your head—it extends to at least the whole of the body in which “you” live. But “you” also live within your relationships with other people and with the larger environment, the planet. So, on the other hand, your connections with people and the planet shape your mental processes, from thoughts and feelings to decisions and actions. This is why we say the mind is relational as well as being embodied…” – Dr. Dan Siegel
Mutuality points to the idea that there is a whole new level of causality, a synergy of causal probabilities occurring in every moment that exceeds our normal conception of causation. For the most part, these contingencies often go unrecognized in the most common approaches in psychotherapy. When we seek to understand our reality, we usually look to the normal causality of “cause-and-effect.” In other words, we ask ourselves, “What just happened, and what was the cause behind it?”.
From the subtlest of events to the deepest level of survival, we need to know what works and what doesn’t. Then, from repeated similar events and outcomes, our evolutionary brains develop neurological priming to streamline our reactions to things. For example, “Certain green, stringy understory bushes often have thorns, and they hurt, so go around them!” or “Rivers and streams contain fish, and working in groups makes it easier to catch fish, so let’s come together to get some food!”
What if we looked at the causality of this last example more closely and perhaps considered another level of how and why things happen; in other words, what if there was another motivating force or principle that equally contributes to the way we live? What if the primary inspiration was based upon the highest good for all involved, not just fulfilling the needs of a group made up of single individuals who are reacting according to their own unique neurological priming? What if this principle of mutuality transcended our usual orientation toward individualism and was based more upon the needs of two or more, a kind of interdependent collectivism of relationality that defines and serves the workings of reality from a much larger, collective perspective?
Quite simply, mutuality is the sharing of an interactive feeling, action, or relationship between two or more parties.
(Mutuality is) the tendency of people in relationship to think of themselves as members of a dyadic relationship (an interconnected web) rather than as singular, distinct individuals”. (E.g., Ancient fishing techniques worked better in groups rather than with single individuals.) As close relationships, particularly romantic ones, develop over time, partners display increasing levels of mutuality, which may influence their affect, cognition, and behavior. For example, when mutuality is high, people tend to think of their partners’ characteristics and resources as their own.” – American Psychology Association
By definition, all forms of mutuality are relational, whether between flowers and bees, the sky and the trees, animals and their environment, or the sun and its planets. In breathwork therapy, mutual relationality offers one of the greatest opportunities for healing, which is made possible with empathy. Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. First, interconnection through unity creates the possibility of communication and support. Then, because we all have the empathic ability to share each other’s viewpoints and perspectives, suddenly, the person in front of you is not a stranger at all but rather becomes a mirror of human experience to which you can relate.
3. Purpose (Intention) – Respect
Breath awareness happens NOW. Breath awareness emerges fully in the present moment and sponsors the ability for consciousness to be fully aware and awake right now. With the practice of conscious focal attention (mindfulness), perceptual awareness seems to expand, thoughts and emotions become more regulated and there is a measurable increase in neurological resilience and flexibly.” – Number 4 of The 16 Principles of Somatic Breath Therapy
Let’s look at an example:” The power and beauty of water and air. Imagine how water takes the shape of a container, or better yet, how air takes the shape of your lungs – all of the inside space is touched equally, no matter what. Regardless of how or why the water or air got there, the water doesn’t care what shape the container is, nor does the air care whose lungs it’s entering. Yet consider this: it’s impossible to separate the presence of the water or air (the what) from the how and why they got there.
Presence (water filling a glass/air in the lungs) and purpose (quenching thirst/ bringing oxygen) go hand in hand, like space and time. Neither water nor air cares about what has happened in the past or is going to happen in the future. They are only responding to a physiological need at the moment. Without preconception, the client in front of you is sitting there because both of you have two resonant needs: your need and willingness to help someone and the client’s need to ask for help.
Intentional, relational mutuality is the way that purposeful, evolutionary connection is synchronistically happening all the way down to the quantum level, all the time, moment by moment. This dynamic can be witnessed in subatomic particle exchange, the simplicity of two primordial life forms interacting with each other, two people falling in love, or it could be as complex as the way two adversarial nations are seeking to reconcile their differences. Regardless, relational mutuality is the playing field upon which two positions of identity and purpose meet with love, then compress opportunities in order to direct the depth, range and efficiency of a positive outcome. When it comes to relationality, wherever there is form (separateness/identity – particle) there must also be function (interconnectivity/purpose – wave). So, what does all this mean in terms of therapeutic breathwork?
It means that, even though we may not perceive it, healing is not just some random event that takes place between two random people. As the indigenous and wisdom traditions have taught for thousands of years, it means that there is always some underlying purpose as well as an agreed-upon mutuality between the two or more people who are present. In addition, it is the willingness to be aware of this perspective that seems to maximize the most effective and rewarding healing sessions. It means being able to “walk the talk”, where you are able to feel your own breathing Self in relationship to another’s breathing Self. This is not only a necessary requirement to ensure realism and relevancy but is also a necessity for personal and professional integrity.
Within this field of relational focus, where unfamiliarity gives way to connection, there seem to be certain cycles or rhythms of exchange between the parties involved. Connection gives way to empathy, and empathy gives way to compassion and the ability to “walk in another’s moccasins.” As the needs of those present overlap, the exchange deepens, the resonance grows stronger, and there is a kind of synergy of healing energies, which then seems to fulfill everyone’s needs simultaneously. I call this form of compassion within therapy “compressive mutuality”.
4. Compassion (Compression) - Life
Compassion or compressive mutuality is the energetic, relational squeezing or potentiation that seems to take place right before a significant exchange, outcome, or transformation. It’s like the buildup of magnetic filaments before a solar flare, the ionic clouds before a thunderstorm, the compression of oxygen and energy at the top of the breath, or even a mother giving birth to a newborn, wherein all are irrevocably changed afterward. Compassion is compressive because it combines several things at once: Connection, love in action, affinity, empathy, and understanding, as well as ‘reversal transference.’ But what does that mean? Reversal Transference is the agency within which interrelational resonance between two or more people has reached a sufficient level of synergy wherein the inner orientations of identity are exchanged, and one “sees and feels through the eyes” of another.
Compassionate or compressive mutuality is the marriage of polarities within a unified field. It’s like putting a noun together with a verb, like the pairing of something physical (static/content) and something nonphysical (moving/context). It emerges at the meeting point between difference and similarity, divisibility and indivisibility, what is finite and what is infinite. Patricia Albere, in her Evolutionary Collective, calls it “Mutual Awakening”. In breathwork, it is that precise moment when the mutualistic need for wholeness transcends the rigidity of traumatic separation and its attachment to an estranged self-identity. From the WE perspective, suddenly, you just know what’s true and what to do about it. It occurs when what has been unknown surfaces not as a reaction but as a revelation and/or an inspired communal action that momentarily surpasses historical rigidity.
Now, you may be asking, “What exactly is compression?” In the physical world, compression is the reduction in volume of something causing an increase in pressure (potential). From this larger perspective:
Compression is the power of simplification applied to a complex potential. The results are both commanding and instantaneous. Have you ever noticed that the most important actions or changes in your life begin in a split second, in the twinkling of an eye? It might have been the recognition of an opportunity, the moment you knew an answer, the recognition of a purpose, the moment when you knew you were in love, or the time when everything came together.
The incidence of compression is a potent catalytic moment. It is a compelling recognition of personal rightness in the presence of their soul’s purpose for being… In addition, compression simply means to make “less of more”. That could mean fitting more items in less space, finding the common answer to a multiplicity of problems, or invoking a simple truth that makes sense of complexity. Were it not for a common and unifying element, there would be no reduction from complexity to simplicity…
You are accustomed to causing effects with force and action, rather than magnetism, attraction and compression; Therefore, you must be patient with yourself as you learn a new direction as you progress in your learning, and never underestimate the power of baby steps. Compression is very potent. If you don’t think so, just consider the power of one atom. How many adamantine (Higgs Boson) particles do you think are compressed into one atom that it’s decompression can blow up a city?” – Love Without End, Glenda Green, p.159
This aspect of mutuality is literally how life evolves into something new. Through resonance, intention and the recognition of value, what seems to arise and develop together are vectors of maximal evolutionary possibility according to the combined needs of the whole, as well as encouraging the formation of something innovative and new. In this way, compressive mutuality embraces the concept that present in every healing exchange lies a potential for transformation that is more than just the sum of the parts (or people) present. For me, this is the basis of successful breathwork practitioning, and it also addresses the possibility of reducing our collective cultural traumas.
Regardless of how we conceive of ourselves individually or socially, we live in a unified field of interconnectivity that is based upon something greater than two or more voices talking at each other. There isn’t a space or place where things aren’t in relationship to each other, and concomitantly, there isn’t an evolutionary connection that doesn’t seek new levels of diverse expression. In the breathwork session room, this dynamic is played out between client and therapist when both are able to touch something greater than what they’ve known in the past.
I believe the key here is openness and willingness to surrender to something bigger than ourselves. For the client, this means seeking new levels of truth and understanding in order to reveal the purpose beneath their core issues (traumas). For the practitioner, it means not just attending through forceful techniques to open the breath but also being receptive to inspirations from a higher source, often referred to as the Spirit of Breath.
5. Reciprocity (Exchange) - Justice
Breath energy intraconnects all things. Over time, engaging with conscious breath energy interpenetrates the boundaries between body and mind, thoughts and feelings, self and other, and the shared co-creation of social reality. By commanding loving intent through this process in a community, heart-centeredness and loving-kindness become a natural course of living and being. Conscious breathing supports the mutual relationality between heart and soul, body and mind, as well as me and we (MWE, as introduced by Dr. Dan Siegel), weaving the errant strands of human striving back home to a deeper sense of belonging, kinship and mutual intraconnection.” #14 of The 16 Principles of Somatic Breath Therapy
One might ask at this point, “Does this mean that intraconnection can only happen through two or more people breathing in proximity to each other?” Quite simply, No. This happens energetically all the time, but it seems to be enhanced by participation in conscious, connected breathing in dyads or groups, which, through the increased agency of prana, seems to amplify the interconnectivity.
Because humans can breathe consciously or unconsciously, we have the unique opportunity to choose to intend and strengthen the quality of interrelatedness for our own transcendence. This means we can action upon (Extend) towards healing ourselves through a series of choices we feel drawn to. As I have witnessed, the most accomplished breathworkers who have had the most effective results seem to have learned to sense and move with this underlying energy of activated mutuality and utilize it as an accelerant to healing.
Reciprocity, of course, is also about the nature or kind of exchange between healer and healee. On the physical level, in modern times and in the western world, this usually means some form of money is exchanged. Based upon numerous factors (especially determined by insurance companies!), a certain monetary value is attributed to the provider’s professional expertise and skill sets, which then determines what they “charge” for their services. This externally determined value exchange has largely been taken over by the idea that “if something inside (or outside) is broke, you can diagnose and fix it!” i.e., the medical model. It has little to do with the relationship of mutuality between practitioner and patient.
However, if you look deep into the past and/or amongst indigenous elders, you’ll find that reciprocal exchange is quite different. The importance of relationship, timing, and value, is paramount and there’s a whole different orientation around what constitutes healing. You are not simply exchanging for the sake of the client’s issues or the practitioner’s learned abilities and skillsets. You are exchanging according to what you determine is the overall value of healing to both of the parties involved.
First, the healer or shaman is an integral, relational part of their community; so, in a sense, any healing is a shared cultural event experienced through the healer with whom they are exchanging. Second, in my personal experience of working with many shamans and curanderos, I have witnessed every one of them asking, “Why has this particular person and their illness entered my reality?” It’s as if they are checking in with the highest understanding first to identify and reciprocally prepare for the nature of the upcoming ritual of healing.
I believe this deeper understanding of the natural, reciprocal flow of energy in healing is what is sadly lacking in our medical world today. It’s rarely about reciprocity but more about a diagnosed condition, a treatment, and/or a pill. Conversely, the indigenous elder or shaman looks first at the underlying, relational, and reality factors presented, becoming a conduit for the necessary spiritual guidance and therapeutic energies.
Essentially, the heart of nature has the final say, not some mind-generated treatment protocol of what healing should look like or, in breathwork, some memorized instruction about which breath techniques should be applied. After thousands of breathwork sessions, experience has shown that carefully regulated, conscious breathing not only activates a kind of repository of spiritual insight but an underlying reciprocity based upon fair and honorable exchange.
6. Resonance (Harmony) – Honesty
How energy “streams” or “flows” through our lives shapes our mental experience. If you smile at me and I don’t smile back, your feelings will be different than if I resonate with your smile, feeling the feelings inside of me and then revealing that resonance with a returned smile on my face, in my gestures, and in my tone of voice. Our separate bodies become “connected” as energy flows from you in the form of a smile that then connects with me. Your eyes and your ears pick up how that energy was received, and two separate “entities” become connected as one in the exchange. This is (the essence of resonance and) how people come to feel “close” to each other even with physical distance that separates their physical bodies. Closeness is about resonance where two “systems” become linked as one.” – Dr. Daniel J. Siegel
Simply put, resonance is not just about two people talking at each other; it’s about whoever has just shared asking the other person what the impact was from what they shared. Simple but profound. However, to do that, you must stop all the mental chatter and expectations about what you think you (they) should know and instead be mindful enough to inquire about what they actually received. Although appropriate in every relational communication, it’s especially important when speaking with clients because it gives them one of the greatest benefits of all: feeling heard!
Studying some of these ideas of Interpersonal Neurobiological has significantly deepened my understanding of the importance of resonance and relationality, particularly within the field of breathwork. These concepts encouraged me to deepen my listening, to witness and call on the river of integration between the two banks of chaos and rigidity, and to venture across that culturally oriented bridge from singularity to mutuality, individualism to collectivism. I am grateful for learning to understand the neurophysiology behind where a client is coming from, their trauma, their lack of presence, and how we might awaken in them the ability to see what is possible therapeutically.
In light of these ideas, Dr. Dan encouraged me to ask, “How do we access and utilize this intelligent, interconnected energy that implicitly seems to move from rigidity/chaos toward integration and wholeness?”. I believe we as healers must first humble ourselves to this underlying intelligence by getting to know how it moves within ourselves, how it is mirrored, and how it shows up in our bodies. This is the part that asks us as practitioners to build an honest foundation of our own therapeutic experience to be a platform from which we offer conscious breathing techniques and breathwork therapy. It means we must be a visible example of personal empowerment, embodiment, and relationality. This process, I believe, is the direct result of tapping into an underlying intelligence that exists in every human body: Body-Breathing Interactive-Intelligence.
7. Intelligence (Transcend) - Kindness
Body-Breathing Interactive-Intelligence (BBII) is an arena of human evolutionary consciousness that reveals the way in which human soul growth-cycles are reflected and integrated within the systems of the body, especially during conscious respiration (Breathwork). During this process, unresolved issues held within the connective tissues (fascia) naturally arise and are brought into awareness through the increased prana from breathing. Then, through continual connected breathing, this intelligence supports the movement toward a functional wholeness of well-being. BBII is the synergy of normal body intelligence (Awareness), conscious respiration (Pranic Activation), and the participatory soul intelligence of those relationally present (Intraconnection).
Body-Breathing Interactive-Intelligence is a bridge of body-mind intelligence that spans between what is visible, external and proprioceptively alive, what is invisible, internal and interoceptively alive, and what is relationally present right now. It is the inborn human agency imbued with evolutionary intelligence that lives within every living, breathing organism and tends toward the highest outcome for all involved. As a label, Body-Breathing Interactive-Intelligence is actional, it identifies two verbs instead of two nouns, and points to the excellence of an ongoing process or refinement, not just a static condition or outcome.”
Within a field of therapeutic intent, this intelligence unfolds perfectly in each and every moment, and I believe is the heart and soul of what therapeutic breathwork can offer the world. Body-Breathing Interactive-Intelligence (BBQ) not only evokes deep healing but also helps individuals to re-establish interpersonal connectivity rather than individualistic isolation in their lives. I believe our task as practitioners is to attune ourselves to this intelligence, to open ourselves deeply to the evolutionary “MWE” space of relationality, and to learn to respond to this moment-to-moment flow of breath-enhanced intraconnection.
Within the relational arena of this intelligence, I am using “intraconnection” rather than interconnection. This is another excellent perspective brought forwarded by Dr. Dan Siegel in his book, “IntraConnected: MWe (Me + We) as the Integration of Self, Identity, and Belonging”.
Interconnection, having all the constituent parts linked or connected, implies something that happens externally between two or more preexistently separate entities; intraconnected, on the other hand, points to something that arises from an inherent, connected system that is already engaging internally, mutually and reciprocally. Although subtle, I believe this notion is integral to understanding the truly interactive nature of human evolutionary intelligence. But what does this breath-oriented intelligence have to do with transcendence?
Transcendence comes from the Latin prefix trans-, meaning “beyond,” and the word scandare, meaning “to climb.” When you achieve transcendence, you have gone beyond what has previously existed as (energetic, conceptual or emotional) ordinary limitations. The word is often used to describe a spiritual or religious state, or a condition of moving beyond physical needs and realities.” – Vocabulary.com
When we transcend, we rise above the current level of difficulty, challenge, or dis-ease currently being experienced within our bodies. This is especially true when facing the arising painful memories, feelings, and sensations in a breathwork session. Fortunately, as most breathers will attest, the uncomfortable part of the journey is typically brief. For most, after the memories arise (due to the high vibrational state), they often have an eagle-eye view of the illusory nature of what has been hidden within, an awareness of how the original childhood logic that has kept the somatic pattern in place is no longer viable in their current lives. Then, due to the activation of increased prana, “getting stuck in the mud” gives way to deeper understandings and revelations about what is true and what is false.
Transcendence is how personal and cultural evolution knocks at our door and says, “Wake up, it’s time to grow!” Suffering is what brings us to that door, but it is having the courage to make a choice for healing is what has us knock. Through the capacity and bravery of conscious attention, we drop to our knees and in our hearts surrender to the innocence of not knowing. We ask for help. We ask for the relational, therapeutic vehicle that will take us above and beyond the wounded identities from our past. Because “the universe abhors a vacuum”, soon the door opens, and we walk through to begin our healing journey.
In The End
Most of those who have chosen therapeutic breathwork have touched upon the first six qualities of Relationality as a part of their soul’s journey. But it is usually during the breathwork sessions themselves that they can activate this inherent, evolutionary intelligence to transcend what has held them back from being their true selves. Even knowing every journey is different, all of these relationality components seem integral to reclaiming your authentic voice, your full embodiment, and your sense of empowerment, which awakens your soul into wholeness and well-being.
